The Couple in the SUV
by DripPan
Summary: Booth is literally board and caught in a bad situation
1. I'm Board

Chapter 1: I'm Board

"Booth, how you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit with a 2 by 4."

Pause.

"Booth?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry I hit you with that board."

"No you're not Bones! You got your wish!"

"I DID NOT HIT YOU SO I CAN DRIVE, BOOTH!"

"Subconsciously, I think you did."

"Psychology?! Well, anthropoligically speaking......."

"Bones......"

"You're using psychology, so I'm bringing up Anthropology!"

Pause

"Anthropology speaking your structure, body mass and position compared with the structure, body mass and the hold the burb..."

"That's perp, Bones"

"....the hold the perp had on you and analyzing the situtaion, I saw that it was scientifically impossible for you to get free. So I took a swing with the 2 by 4. How was I to know that you would break free?"

"SO NOW IT'S MY FAULT?!"

"Scientifically? Yes."

"But I'm not a scientist Bones!"

"I know that Booth, I've seen your high school transcripts."

"What?!"

"High school transcripts.......it's a record of your grades and behavior in high school."

"I know what they are Bones. I should have asked why."

"Why what?"

"Why did you look at my high school transcripts?"

"Oh, that. Just wanted to get a background of your intelligent level."

"You could have asked me."

"You say tomato, I say potato."

"Tomato? Potato?"

"Yes Booth. It's a commonly used phrase to compare how people precieve things that are the same. You really should keep up with the times Booth."

"It's toe-may-toe and toe-mah-toe. Not tomato, potato."

"Oh."

Pause.

"Booth?"

"What Bones?"

"How did you break free?"

"Well, one I'm not a scientist, obviously........"

"Obviously."

"......and, two, I was an Army Ranger."

"Did the rangers teach you how not to be scientific?"

"Yes and no Bones. You know I wasn't very good in science....."

"Overstated."

Pause

"Done?"

"Yes."

"You know I was bad at science but they also made us think outside the box."

"They put you in a box?"

"Yes Bones. They put us in a box and told us to guess what was on the outside."

"They tried to make you a psychic? They experimented on you Booth! Did they stick needles in your brain?"

"No and no Bones. I was being sarcastic."

"Sarcasm is not nice."

"Look who's talking."

"We both are."

"We both are what?"

"Talking."

Pause

"So, they didn't stick a needle in your brain?"

"No Bones."

"What did you mean they taught you how to think outside the box?"

"Let me put it in your terms: they taught us not to just think of the logical things but the illogical things as well."

"That's not logical"

"Not suppose to be Bones."

Pause

"Booth?"

"Bones?"

"I'm glad they didn't stick a needle in your brain."

"Me too Bones. Me too."


	2. APB

Chapter 2. APB

"Booth?"

"Bones?"

"I'm sorry the perp got away."

"That's okay. I put out an APB on him."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT BOOTH!"

"Do what Bones?"

"Put out an APB!"

"What?"

"An Anthropological Priority Bulletin!"

"What?"

"One, you're not an anthropologist and, two, they are used to inform all anthopologists immediately of important finds, which this incident was not!. You did it to be mean!"

"What?"

"You wanted every single anthropologist, MY COLLEAGUES, to know that I hit you with a 2 by 4!"

"Wait Bones! You got it all wrong."

"I'm never wrong when it comes to anthropology!"

"I know but you got the APB part wrong."

Pause

"I'm listening."

"It's an All Points Bulletin Bones. I got every cop in the city looking for him."

"Oh."

Pause

"Booth, I know what I have to put in my APB, but what do you put in yours?"

"Oh, the name and description of the subject and, in this case, the year, make, model and license plate of the vehicle we saw him drive off in."

"That's logical."

"Thank you Bones."

"For what?"

"For saying the FBI uses logic."

"I didn't say that."

"You said it was logical!"

"There's a difference of being logical and using logic Booth."

"Oh, I've got to hear this."

"You ignore me Booth?"

"What?"

"You said 'I've got to hear this' meaning you don't hear me at times."

"It's just an expression Bones."

Pause

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you going to explain to me the difference between being logical and using logic?"

"You said it yourself."

"When?"

"Less than 10 minutes ago! What? You not only ignore me but also yourself?"

"I think I'm getting a headache."

"Probably from the 2 by 4 striking the back of your skull."

"Bones, can you just tell me what I said less than 10 minutes ago to support your statement?"

"You said that they teach you to not only to use logic but also to use illogic, which is illogical. They think outside the square."

"Box, Bones, not square."

Pause

"I'm hungry. You want to get something to eat?"

"You're always hungry."

"No, I'm not!"

"Give me one example when you are not hungry then."

"When I sleep."

"Nope! The day you feel asleep on my couch you were naming off different types of pies."

"I don't talk......BONES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Making a U-turn."

"WHY?"

"I just seen our perp go the opposite way."


	3. Spit Manuever

Chapter 3: Spit Manuever

"BONES, YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED FOR THIS!"

"What do you mean? I have a driver license.......where's the siren and the flashy light switches?"

"BONES, PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL RIGHT THIS SECOND!"

"Look Booth, it will not help the situation with you screaming at the top of your lungs!"

Pause

"Bones, you are not qualified to do a high speed chase."

"Yes, I am. I saw it on TV."

"You don't own a TV."

"Okay, got me there. The truth is Zack......."

"Zack?"

"My assistant. Doctorate in anthropology and engineering."

"I know who Zack is."

"Well, Zack and I were talking on how vehicles are structure and how they operate....."

"Go on."

"Anyway, I told him about how we got in a high speed chase......"

"And...."

"He explained to me how science effect the way the vehicle handles in high speed chases. He told me about centrifigal force, torque.........you sure you want to talk about this now?"

"It'll keep my mind off of dying."

"We are not going to die Booth!"

"Says you Mario Andretti."

"I don't know what that means."

"Just tell me."

"He told me about centrifigal force, torque and told me what to do in each situation that can come up in high speed chases. That makes me qualified!"

"That does not make you............BONES!"

"I thought we talked about the screaming?"

Pause

"Bones, you almost hit that car back there."

"I had plenty of room but it would be easier if we put the lights and sirens on, then they would get out of our way."

"BONES! PLEASE KEEP BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL AND EYES ON THE ROAD! I'LL GET THE LIGHTS AND SIRENS FOR YOU!"

"Thank you Booth."

"Just concentrate on driving. I'm going to call in for help."

"I know what I'm doing Booth! We don't need any help."

"I will. I wonder if Sweets has an opening this afternoon...."

"That's mean!"

"Quiet Bones. I'm calling it in.......'Car 22705 in pursuit of suspect vehicle going west bound on 10th passing........TEMPRANCE!'"

"What now Booth?"

"YOU ALMOST HIT THAT LADY WITH HER BABY!"

_"22705, I'm not showing where Temprance intersects 10th. As a matter of fact, I don't even see a Temprance anywhere on the map."_

"I missed her by a good 6 inches Booth. You really should take a cold pill."

"Please Bones just be careful and it's chill pill."

Pause

"Car 22705 suspect is west bound on 10th passing Main."

"Look Booth, I'm catching up to him!"

"Okay Bones, just stay back from him a little to give the boys a chance to set up a road block."

"Oh, no need for a road block."

"Why not?"

"You can shoot his tires out. Geez Booth, do I have to think of everything?"

"I am not going to shoot his tires out!"

"Then let me have your gun and I'll shot them out."

"BONES, AGAIN, KEEP BOTH HANDS ON THAT STEERING WHEEL!"

"How am I going to be able to do that if I have to shot his tires out?"

"Bones, the only thing that is going to get shot around here is you if you don't keep both hands on that steering wheel!"

"Sacrasm is not helping the situation either Booth!"

"Bones, I'm begging you please keep both hands on the wheel and concentrate on your driving!"

Pause

"Plan B...."

"Plan B, Bones?"

"Zack told me about a thing called a Spit manuever."

"Spit manuever? What? We catch up to him and spit on his windshield?"

"No Booth. You're a cop. Didn't they teach you about the Spit manuever?"

"I guess I was absent that day Bones."

"Obviously you were absent alot in science class too!"

"Bones, please just tell me what the Spit manuever is."

"I'm going to hit the back of his car and make him spin out of control."

'NO, NO, NO......YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HIT HIS CAR AND IT IS CALL A PIT MANUEVER!"

"Look Booth. I am not going to let him get away after he hurt you!"

"You're the one who hit me with the 2 by 4!"

"But scientifically it was your fault!"

"I am not going over this again!"

"Fine."

"Fine."

Pause

"Look Booth, I can do this. I've done real good so far."

"Besides almost hitting another car and killing a mother with her baby?"

"If the lights and siren would have been on, the car would not have been in our way. And, the mother and her baby, I missed her! Please Booth. I really want to get this guy."

"Are you sure you can do this Bones?"

"Yes Booth. Zack explained every step and you know how I am when something is explained to me."

"Okay Bones, but if you have any doubts, please don't do it."

"Trust me."

"I do."

Pause

"Lord Jesus, please just let this......"

"Booth?"

"What is it Bones?"

"Vice talking to a zombie, don't you think you should get ready to jump out and catch him?"

"Jesus is not a Zom.........!"

CRASH

BANG

SCREECH

"Go get him Booth!"

"FREEZE, HANDS IN THE AIR!"

Pause

"Bones, can you go cuff the suspect?"

"Booth! I drove and now I have to put the cuffs on him too? The only thing you did is hold that gun on him!"

"Bones, just please do it."

Click

Click

"Booth?"

"What now Bones?"

"My endorfins are really firing! I'm in emergency need for biological release."

"Bones?"

"Yes Booth?"

"The next time you hit me with a 2 by 4, make sure I'm dead."


	4. Unmentionables

Chapter 4: Unmentionable

"Bones, settle down! You're jumping around like you have ants in your pants."

"I don't know what that means."

"Where'd you find her?"

"Museum. Now keep your mouth shut!"

"Booth?"

"What now Bones?"

"I did really good driving, huh?"

"Lady, you almost killed me!"

"I still can! You hurt my partner!"

"All I did was grab him! Your the one who hit him with the 2 by 4!"

"Not you too. Look, that was a really nice hold you had on him. Anthropologically speaking, he shouldn't have gotten free."

"So, it's his fault."

"That's what I've been telling him but he won't believe me."

"Dude, why don't you believe the lady?"

"Yeah Booth, how come you don't believe me?"

"You, shut up! Bones get in the car?"

"Oh, I get to drive again!:

"NO!"

"Why?"

"Don't you think you had enough excitement today?"

"So, now who is being the party popper? You always telling me to have fun. Now, you're telling me not too?"

"It's party pooper, lady."

"Thank you.'

"Your welcome."

"Dude, why don't you let her have any fun? You don't like to see her happy?"

"I am so going to shoot you if you don't shut your mouth!"

"Why? Cause he wants to see me happy?"

Screech

"About time you guys showed up! Haul this guy down to headquarters."

Pause

"Let's go Bones."

"Do I get to drive?"

"No."

"But you could have a concussion from where you hit yourself with the 2 by 4."

"I did not hit myself with the 2 by 4 Bones!"

"The perp and I agree that you did. That's two against one!"

"Bones, I"m driving and that's final."

"Party Pooper!"

"Anthropologist!"

Slam

Slam

"Booth?"

"What do you need Bones?"

"I need to go by my apartment."

"Why?"

"I need to change my clothes."

"What?"

"I need to change my clothes."

"Bones, why do you need to change your clothes? All we did is get in a car chase. We didn't even have to chase the suspect once you took his car out."

"Your right Booth."

"I'm right?"

"Yes. I should have said cloth."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I need to go to my apartment and change a piece of cloth."

"What piece of cloth do you need to change Bones?"

"Booth, do you really need me to say? Think about what I said."

"You said I hit myself with a 2 by 4."

"So, you finally agree."

"No, Bones."

Pause

"So, what did you say so I can figure out what cloth you need to change?"

"It was right after I put the cuffs on him."

"Bones, I can't remember."

"First, you can't remember being put inside a box, now you can't remember this! You sure they didn't stick a needle in your brain?"

"Bones!"

"Okay! What I said was that my endorfins were really firing. That I'm in emergency need for biological release."

"Oh."

Pause

"OH!"

Pause

"OOOHHHH!"

"Booth, are you okay?"

"You need to change your unmentionable."

"No, I mention them all the time."

"No Bones. Unmentionables are another word for......."

"For what Booth?"

"Women undergarments."

"Oh, panties and bras."

"Bones!"

"Why are they called ummentionable?"

"If I answer, can we drop the subject?"

'Yes."

"They are called unmentionable because it is something Gentleman don't mention."

"Thank you Booth."

Pause

"Were here Bones."

"You coming up Booth?"

"No."

"Booth, you said you were hungry before and we got that left over Thai food. Come on up, eat and wait for me too change."

"Leftover Thai food?"

"Yes Booth."

Slam

Slam

Apartment

"Booth, did I do okay with the car chase?"

"Bones, you did really good."

"And the Spit manuever?"

"PIT manuever. But you did amazing."

Pause

"Booth?"

"Yes Bones?

"You want to know when I got the most excited?"

"Tell me Bones."

"When I crossed the line....."

Then Dr Temperance Brennan, forensic anthropologist, best selling auther crossed her own line.


End file.
